Friday, April 12, 2019

Move On: Who Says It's Easy?

Assalamua'laikum wbt & Good Day,

It has been a while I have not post anything on my blog since my last post during my 29th birthday. 

Welcome 2019! 

Although one quarter had passed, my sabbatical journey had ended and I am now back to my old routine since six week ago! HAHA :)

I remembered the indescribable feeling the moment I touched down this town; exactly 4 months after I left. I had never pay any visit to this place throughout my sabbatical journey and I cannot deny the fact that I am so impressed with the changes around me. Somehow, the development had been quite rampant as compared to the day I left, but more than that, I started to love and appreciate this town so much although I enjoyed my sabbatical journey a lot.

My first day back to work was a bit messy as there was an issue with my laptop to connect with the official domain due to system mistrust since I had been absence for more than three months. My superior was away for business trip that day and there was a scheduled monthly meeting with all leadership team. I attended the meeting quite late as I need to wait for my laptop to be configured by the ICT team.

Perlis, Malaysia.

I bet most people who close to me know the main reason behind my decision of taking fourteen weeks of career break. It was due to my inability to let go of my frustration on previous year's performance appraisal outcome; and I have to be honest that until today, it still break my heart. I personally think that I already move on after taking such a long break but somehow, I realized that I am not fully move on the moment I accidentally met the decision maker for that appraisal results during a short break of that scheduled monthly meeting, I cried again for the whole night. It was such an irony moment as I was so eager to return back to work maybe due to my declining reserve (read as cash), but during my very first day of return to work, my heart broke again. 

I thought it was just an incident and it could be due to I am still in shock that Allah tested me in such a way. Therefore, I still continue to act like usual and few weeks later, I am assigned to an almost similar assignment that really tested my emotional strength which is one of the main causes of my trauma which led to that inability to move on like I mentioned before. 

One day, I received an email from AA; an email subscription where I subscribed on "tazkirah", life reflection, tips and motivations which is wrote by a Singaporean lady who is now living in Morocco. The content was in general sounds more or less like "There is nothing happened to us without Allah's knowing and all things happened to us are basically allowed to happen by Him"; based on my best understanding. I started to realized that the previous incident which led me to take the sabbatical was actually one of His plans. The decision maker of that performance appraisal was just a mean; or in Arabic term it is called "asbab". I started to reflect back on my life journey and somehow that email slowly put my heart back at ease. 

When I looked back, if it was not because of that incident, I may not have the courage and determination to start re-focus on myself and my health. I was putting all my efforts and focus to get my ideal weight and I am so determined to reach that goal. Alhamdulillah, I managed to reduce 18kg since then. I may not seriously wrote an essay which somehow made me selected to become one of the Perdana Fellows to Chief Secretary to The Government; which from that program I was able to get first hand experience in managing this country, increase my knowledge in overall economics & public policy on top of establishing good networking with the top guns. I may not achieve my aspiration of being in all states and federal territories of Malaysia by age of 30 if I did not decided to take my career break. Most importantly, I may still not feel contented and grateful for being part of one of the top contributors to Malaysia's income in spite it was the place where I am emotionally tested and reached my breaking point. I started to acknowledge that the setback which really sickened my heart had somehow taught me to be stronger; not only emotionally but also spiritually as well as to understand the fact that when things go wrong, there must be a lesson to be learned and life is always "there is a bless in disguise". (I literally cry the moment I wrote this because I really mean it!)

Whenever I met some of my colleagues during prayer at prayer room and they asked me about my career break, I always told them that never take the break whenever you had a bad superior. I am personally so bless that I have a very supportive superior who really understand my situation, continuously motivating me in spite he knows that I am still emotionally not fully recover and at the same time keep pushing me to push my limit in order to unlock my potential. He is a real reflection that a true leader may not someone embracing the same faith and having the same race as me, but the one who is objective and keep heightened others up. 

On personal aspect, in spite I had loss four months of my salary due to that unpaid career break, I had learned that money is not everything but still one of the crucial foundation to make a comfortable living. I also learned that when it comes to relationship, the "spark" is sometimes unable to be ignited in spite by physical criteria, all the factors been set had been met. Kindness always won over right, and creating the right perception is always important in spite of in reality, things being done are maybe not right. 

"And I will bear more troubles well
Because this road has led through hell
Resurfacing in brighter days
I slowly learn to change my ways"
(Chellie Campbell)

My planning also had turned much more flexible, as I have not plan for any trip yet due to many uncertainties. But somehow, I cannot deny the fact that my anxiety about future is getting more manageable as I started to realize and strongly instill into my mind that while fail to plan is plan to fail, but while we plan, Allah also plan and His plan is always the best. Striking the balance in putting the effort to plan and being "redha" with the outcome may be hard, but as time and maturity goes up, the hurdles and challenges that we face along the way will definitely help us to maneuver ourselves towards the right path. We just have to reflect, think and believe.

Jerai Hill, Kedah, Malaysia.

Till then, have a nice day. Wassalam~