Monday, November 25, 2019

Embracing 3!~

Assalamua'laikum wbt. & good day,


It feels surreal that I have been living my age up to this number. Went through all the ups and downs, battled between both good and bad internally and externally, experienced heaven and hell kind of environment and not to forget, meeting both angels and devils type of people. In spite of those, I survived to be me, and I hope it will prepare me to be someone great in the future.

I would say that this year is the second healing year, especially after major setback that I encountered back in 2017. Last year was a total turnaround year of myself, which I ended up taking a very bold decision by having a career break. It was unplanned, but as usual, a cliché statement will always, we plan, and Allah is also plan, and His plan is always the best. That four months’ break really change my perspective about life, deepened the gratitude feeling of mine, and the most important lesson that I realized is Allah is never neither a second too late nor a second too early.

Mukah, Sarawak, Malaysia.

Having said that, I allowed myself to break from the norms that I have annually since I joined P this year. There is no so-called luxury vacation this year, and I only visited two neighboring countries and there will be one next week. The target numbers of books to be read is still far to be reached as I usually hit at least 75% from the target of fifty books by end of the year. All the flight tickets were bought on impromptu basis and I got the best deal mostly by luck. I regularly spent my time reading and thinking where should I heading to in next ten years. But one thing I am proud to say is that I consistently hit the gym, did my Pilates, evening hiking or played badminton on working days. In other words, I showered myself with the luxury of time which I think had developed a sense of complacency inside myself and I believe that if I choose to stay, it will kill me in silent. A flowing water is always better than a stagnant lake. I must remember this.

Leaving twenties with lots of improvement still on-going is not a wonderful thing to concede. I failed to meet my target to travel to thirty countries by end of two-series as I only been to twenty six countries, I still not meet the target of BMI xx from the previous one (BMI is ultimately a very sensitive issue for ladies I supposed), my financial target is still farfetched from the target that I have set, and there are many more that is quite hard and delicate to be mentioned here.

Nevertheless, on the bright side, I am thankful that my two-series had been as colorful as a rainbow. Before the two series ended, I got myself into Prime Minister Office, been selected to represent Malaysia in International Conference of Cohesive Society with all the other youths around the globe, complete my horse riding lessons, been to all states and federal territories of Malaysia, visited prison and bribery investigation room, given exposure to the country’s administration protocol, prepared speeches to country’s top gun, met almost all the cabinet ministers, escaped from the media, and been to two local islands. I am honestly clueless on where these experiences will lead me, but I believe Allah is preparing me for something good in future.

Langkawi, Malaysia.

The sad things that I realized the moment my age increases were my trusted circle is getting smaller, I have to rely more on myself than others, my life is a total outcome of my own decision, making difficult verdict especially in finance & deciding priorities are all on my own, and living life like nobody business is extremely real. The people that we made is definitely just a reason or enabler, but we are totally accountable for ALL THE CONSEQUENCES.

Moving forward, I started to train myself to be more flexible in term of planning and opening up to various opportunities. I do not know where exactly I will be in the future, but I have a strong faith that the next journey of mine will be a worthy ones. There is no other better equation of luck other than preparations meet opportunity.

To those who still in search for the real direction in life, trust me it will be a never ending one. Having said so, it is no harm to start preparing for the destination that you wish to reach, and always bear in mind that the absolute one will be the day we meet our Creator. Be bold, be brilliant and be sophisticated. Life is always about continuous learning, relearn and unlearn. Sometimes, the things that brought we here is not the same mechanism that will bring us there. Keep ourselves active physically, mentally and always choose to be in the right social circle. The people you always associated with will indirectly determine where you will be. I hate to say this, but after series of heart broken experiences, the people you know matter most than the things you know.

Till then, have a nice day. Wassalam~

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

Laugh at Life~

Assalamua'laikum wbt. & good day,

I feel like to write all the reflections that I had for today as it really makes me grounded upon looking back on things that had happened. It was a mixture of many feeling, from frustrated, angry, funny, relief, nervous, determine and grateful. HAHA

I am still on second day of MC and was advised to go to psychological unit of government hospital today. It was raining cats and dogs and since I had sent an invitation for a syndication meeting to Senior General Manager office, I planned to attend the meeting for a while prior to heading to the hospital. The road that I use to commute daily to and fro office is still under construction for Pan Borneo project but somehow I did not expect that today's rain had led to a quick flash flood in that area.

My heart felt uneasy since the rain portray no sign to stop. I had informed my admin clerk to get the syndication materials ready as I planned to go directly to the meeting's venue. The other side of me convinced me not to go since I am on a valid MC, but the egoist side of me persuade me to proceed to the office since I am the meeting organizer. In spite of that unease feeling, I decided to proceed going to the office and that is where all the one in a million kind of experience begins.

I drove my parent's car, specifically Perodua Kancil since I began my career. As time goes by, I had become more prudent in managing my financial, and after few times of evaluation, that awesome Kancil still serve me very well. 

I saw that the water started to spill over the road but I still had the confident that I will be able to pass through it since I saw many Axias are able to do so. But somehow, in the middle of the road, my car stopped. The engine is unable to be ignited while the water started to enter my car. I am so afraid and burst into tears while calling my usual mechanic. He advised me to turn off the car and just leave for my own safety. The water level keeps increasing and I have to get out from the car using the next door. Somehow, I am a bit lucky as I am wearing a face mask and hence, I trust that no one would recognize me. HAHA :P

I got this from Bintulu Info FB page. Oh Kancil, you did it!
I saw an old uncle keeps looking at me from the side of the road and I ran towards him to explain my condition. My mechanic keeps on calling me to ask exactly where I am, while that uncle is trying to call Bintulu Development Authority (BDA) rescue team. Finally, I do not know who exactly had helped to remove my stranded awesome Kancil, but that car is already in front of the brick factory where I seek for help. A mid-40s man came out from my car telling me "Adik, kereta kamu OK lagi. Masih boleh start." I was blurred that time and the only statement came out from my mouth was, "Boleh tolong bawak ke sini? Saya takut." That man just follow the things I said, passed back the car key to me and leave. And I did not say even a single thank you to anyone who had helped me this morning. :( I hope Allah will ease their life and rewards them with eternal blessings.

After I felt a bit fine, I tried to start the car and thanks God, the engine was magically smooth. My mechanic then called me again to confirm if towing is needed and I told him let me try to test this car inside this brick factory first. But somehow, I only update him on my whereabouts after I reached at car wash station before heading to the hospital.

And thing goes pretty fine, I went to the hospital after my car is clean and I am so grateful that my awesome Kancil is moving smoothly until I reached my home upon complete running my errands. 

Right now, I am smiling and laughing alone when I remembered things that I faced today. Life got too many surprises to offer, and Allah's helps come in many forms. It was like a thriller drama or movie, and I am the main actress who survived at the end of the story. HAHA :D

It reinstate my confidence towards kindness, humanity and the power of believing in instinct. Shall I follow my heart not to proceed heading to the office today, this thing would not happen. But then, having this kind of incident strengthened my belief that we have a lot of kind people around us.

I want to keep this memory here in case I trapped into big problem in future,
I can calmly say that THIS TOO, SHALL PASS!

I am also thankful that the diagnosis today conclude that I am not under depression, but on intermediate level of stress. As a matter of knowledge sharing, I would like to share one fact shared by my psychologist:

"In any situation, try to take a moment of pause in the count of seven. Our brain got two layers, and the first layer is usually animal-dominant kind of thinking. Acting based on this thinking had led many people to regret and sending them to prison. The sensible thinking come from the second layer of our brain which lead us to act in more realistic ways."

To my awesome Kancil, thanks for surviving! You save if not thousands, hundreds of my bucks! Alhamdulillah  :) <3

Till then, have a nice day. Wassalam~

Sunday, October 6, 2019


Assalamua'laikum wbt. & good day,

I am writing again in less than two months’ time. As usual, I always found my remedy through writing. I always hope by articulating all the feelings that I have at current moment into a structured piece of mind, everything will be okay. After all, I always convince myself that this too, shall pass.

I started to realize that sometimes, the heart broken that we had is not necessarily because we did not get what we want. We feel deeply demotivated because of the process, and sometimes we discovered that someone had play the games behind the door in order to stop the opportunity that we supposed to get; although in reality, the moment we officially receive the offer, we might decline it due to several factors. This kind of situation brought us down, and we started to overthink on many bad things that this person could do. As a human being, we severely impacted by the experience that we had, and the experience we had will shape the belief. Like it or not, the action that we take is mostly depending on the belief that we had embedded inside us; be it a truthful one or otherwise.

Batam Miniature House, Indonesia

In my previous post, I did mentioned the story on why I decided to take my sabbatical. With the hope that everything is already fine, I started to gain my motivation back upon resume my duty. But somehow, few incidents happened and the recent one really brings me down. Somehow, it triggers me to think how shameful it is for someone at upper level, with SIX level gaps by organizational hierarchy, still want to stop my career opportunity for exposure to another strategic project. I just cannot brain that someone at upper level unconsciously bring down his own standard by creating a conflict with someone below him, which I think if I were at his place, I will not be doing so because someone lower than me is definitely not my league.  

I am fortunate because I got few colleagues who turned up to be #myexclusivecircle; giving wonderful advice and motivations for me to hold on and be resilient. I still hold closely to one of the advice from one of the managers that I met during my downtime; perhaps, this is actually what had been destined for you, and that person is just the asbab (means). In fact, Allah is never neither a second earlier nor a second too late. Enabling myself to look at this kind of positive angle always makes me feel relief, although that feeling may not be permanent. Again, a cliché reason is I am only human, and I break when I fall down.

The recent situation that I faced makes me try to connect with the book that I currently read, How Will You Measure Your Life. In one of the chapters, The School of Experiences, it did mentioned that “people who hit their first significant career roadblock after years of nonstop achievement often fall apart”. I am trying my best to strengthen my belief that this chapter of falling apart experience has something to teach me, and the outcomes will only be reap somewhere in future that only Allah knows when.

The only prayer that I have for myself is not to get crazy or affected with any mental health related illness as I strongly believe that THIS TOO, SHALL PASS.

Kapas Island, Marang, Terengganu

Till then, have a nice day. Wassalam~

Monday, September 2, 2019

Chapter 22: Pontianak & Singkawang, Indonesia

Assalamua'laikum wbt. & good day,

Hi! I am writing again after a long hiatus, probably because I am not used to take the flight back to this place at this time, since I usually take the evening flight that will touch down during sunset. The fare difference was quite huge since today is a public holiday replacement day. But then, this could be the best decision as well since I will be away again tomorrow for another business trip, so at least I have some time to pack for my stuff.

Life is quite good at this moment, with more and more people come into my life as well as go away from it. I have no more concern on this as I realized the fact that some people are meant to be part of the chapter of my life, and we can choose to remember the moments as sweet memories or lessons to be learnt. 

I just completed my #chapter22 of my abroad vacation, after #chapter21 during last year's Christmas. Going to the age of thirty years old this year, I choose not to do a very thorough planning and just to be flexible in spite of the fact that I may fail to achieve my target of been to 30 countries by age of 30. At this point of time, I have been to 26 countries and based on current leaves available, it is quite impossible for me to take even any short break in order to enable me to hit at least 27 countries. Nevertheless, the target is set by me and hence, I should forgive myself for unable to meet it. Life is still a long way to go, InshaAllah.

View along Kapuas River, Pontianak.
I went to Pontianak via Air Asia's direct flight from Kuching. It tooks me 45 minutes to arrive Supadio International Airport. The weather is quite hot as my nose was bleeding and that is the reason why my first day in PNK was mainly resting in my room and tour around Tanjungpura University at night. The temperature was around 33-35 degree C and I think Borneo soon will have its own summer too! 

I toured around Pontianak City on the second day by visiting Tugu Khatulistiwa, Aloe Vera Centre, Rumah Radakng, Tugu Digulis and Taman Arboretum Sylba Untan using both Grab and by walk. If you ask my honest opinion, the place is so average but at least I can indirectly learn about PNK through these places and from the people that I met. I paid 15000 IDR for Kapuas River Cruise (not that standard cruise like the one that I took while in Kotor or Bhosporus Strait) during sunset and Subhanallah, it was one of the best decisions that I took for this trip! The view was majestic and I managed to make one friend who is also love to travel and capturing moments.

Tugu Khatulistiwa/ Equator Monument, Pontianak

It took me 3 hours by car to Singkawang on the next day. I made the deal with one of the Grab drivers that I ride on previous day. Although the journey is quite long, the view along the journey was all villages and local houses. I passed by Mempawah and Tanjung Pinyuh on my way to Singkawang and tried the signature bakso at Singkawang for late lunch. The overall journey inclusive all the pit stops at some of the attractions such as Rindu Alam Peak, Singka Zoo, Tanjung Bajau Resort & Pasir Panjang Beach was almost 11 hours. It was quite exhaustive as the road was all single lane and it is quite challenging for the driver to over take. 

Tanjung Bajau Beach, Singkawang

This 4 days 3 nights short vacation to PNK is quite meaningful for me as I realized and becoming more convinced that managing a big countries with thousands islands is very challenging. The Singka Zoo for example, is quite a good place but due to low visitors and high maintaining cost, the place is so disorganize but luckily the fantastic view at Rindu Alam Peak cured my disappointment. Just like Kampung Terih in Batam, this place is manage personally without any assistance from their government. Personally,  I would suggest Taman Safari Bogor if you want to visit place of nature for its visitor friendliness among provinces of Indonesia that I have been to - Jakarta, Bogor, Bandung, Padang, Bukittinggi, Batam and PNK. 

After all, I am focusing more on exploring local this year after I realized that it is quite impossible to achieve my dream of been to 30 countries by 30 years old. :(

Where to next? :P

Till then, have a nice day. Wassalam.

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Keeping What's Matter

Assalamua’laikum wbt & good day,

Hola! Finally another round of Ramadhan is here and today we are on the 7th day! It feels surreal that two years had passed since my Umrah during the same holy month. I feel so blessed that I can spend both days of my weekend this time at home as I have been traveling for past few weeks for both business and personal trips. The feeling of staying at home peacefully while reading my favourite genre on my comfy bed without looking at the clock as nothing to be rushed for is ultimately a golden moment that hardly found in today’s hustle-bustle.

I am so happy that I had hit my 6th book yesterday in spite the progress of my reading this year is much slower as compared to previous years. However, since my mission for this year is to take things easy and keep asking myself “how worst it can be” whenever my anxiety attack arise, I feel calmer and more relax in overcoming any shortcomings. The sabbatical that I had took few months ago had exposed me to many things and in the end, I realized that I am just too competitive. HAHA :D

Bucharest, Romania.

My addiction towards TED Talks had started again and this year the topic that I always focus on revolved around self-esteem and relationship. I realized that I have a lot of areas that need to be improved on both of these aspects, but at the same time I need to find an ideal balance between leaving those wasting my time and keeping those worth my time. In the end, time is something very important to me and I have no compromise about it. To those who had willingly spare their time all this while for me, I would like to thanks you from the bottom of my heart. <3

Talking about time, I had discovered one significant relationship between time and health. It was during my weight loss journey that had discovered this, and I still keep doing this until today as it has been proven to work very well with me. The time that we spend to exercise or doing any physical activities before we fall sick is very crucial as we will spend more time to heal if we do not spare some of our time to get active before anything happen to our health. As such, it has become my habit to set aside at least 15 minutes a day to do any physical activities including during fasting month. The benefit that I have got the most from this was the frequency of getting flu had significantly reduced and my rationale is getting better.

I also had started to be very interested in de-cluttering. My kind of de-cluttering is not only in term of materials that I hoard, but also in term of people that I keep and social media that I still use. Like it or not, the moment I stop having Twitter in my phone, my life had become so light and I had more free time to think and plan for things that are more significant towards my personal advancement, be it in financial, “real social”, career and health. I would like to thanks Marie Kondo for introducing the mantra of “only keep the things or people that sparks joy in your life”. 

View from Barelang Bridge, Batam, Indonesia.

To those who are about to kick start their de-cluttering journey, I would suggest you take time to observe the followings prior to decide on what to be eliminated:
  • What is your goal? (short, medium, long)
  • What makes you happy?
  • What are the things/ who helps you to achieve your goal?
  • What/ who helps you in making good decision?
  • How long the materials had stagnant without being used? (the longer it stay stagnant, the higher probability it will need to be removed)

Once all the above questions had been consciously answered, you may start your de-cluttering journey. Less is more is definitely correct! By doing this, I have more time and money to spend on things which mostly in term of experiences that makes me feel good and creating long lasting memories! Thank you Allah for this ilham :)

Till then, have a nice day. Wassalam~

Friday, April 12, 2019

Move On: Who Says It's Easy?

Assalamua'laikum wbt & Good Day,

It has been a while I have not post anything on my blog since my last post during my 29th birthday. 

Welcome 2019! 

Although one quarter had passed, my sabbatical journey had ended and I am now back to my old routine since six week ago! HAHA :)

I remembered the indescribable feeling the moment I touched down this town; exactly 4 months after I left. I had never pay any visit to this place throughout my sabbatical journey and I cannot deny the fact that I am so impressed with the changes around me. Somehow, the development had been quite rampant as compared to the day I left, but more than that, I started to love and appreciate this town so much although I enjoyed my sabbatical journey a lot.

My first day back to work was a bit messy as there was an issue with my laptop to connect with the official domain due to system mistrust since I had been absence for more than three months. My superior was away for business trip that day and there was a scheduled monthly meeting with all leadership team. I attended the meeting quite late as I need to wait for my laptop to be configured by the ICT team.

Perlis, Malaysia.

I bet most people who close to me know the main reason behind my decision of taking fourteen weeks of career break. It was due to my inability to let go of my frustration on previous year's performance appraisal outcome; and I have to be honest that until today, it still break my heart. I personally think that I already move on after taking such a long break but somehow, I realized that I am not fully move on the moment I accidentally met the decision maker for that appraisal results during a short break of that scheduled monthly meeting, I cried again for the whole night. It was such an irony moment as I was so eager to return back to work maybe due to my declining reserve (read as cash), but during my very first day of return to work, my heart broke again. 

I thought it was just an incident and it could be due to I am still in shock that Allah tested me in such a way. Therefore, I still continue to act like usual and few weeks later, I am assigned to an almost similar assignment that really tested my emotional strength which is one of the main causes of my trauma which led to that inability to move on like I mentioned before. 

One day, I received an email from AA; an email subscription where I subscribed on "tazkirah", life reflection, tips and motivations which is wrote by a Singaporean lady who is now living in Morocco. The content was in general sounds more or less like "There is nothing happened to us without Allah's knowing and all things happened to us are basically allowed to happen by Him"; based on my best understanding. I started to realized that the previous incident which led me to take the sabbatical was actually one of His plans. The decision maker of that performance appraisal was just a mean; or in Arabic term it is called "asbab". I started to reflect back on my life journey and somehow that email slowly put my heart back at ease. 

When I looked back, if it was not because of that incident, I may not have the courage and determination to start re-focus on myself and my health. I was putting all my efforts and focus to get my ideal weight and I am so determined to reach that goal. Alhamdulillah, I managed to reduce 18kg since then. I may not seriously wrote an essay which somehow made me selected to become one of the Perdana Fellows to Chief Secretary to The Government; which from that program I was able to get first hand experience in managing this country, increase my knowledge in overall economics & public policy on top of establishing good networking with the top guns. I may not achieve my aspiration of being in all states and federal territories of Malaysia by age of 30 if I did not decided to take my career break. Most importantly, I may still not feel contented and grateful for being part of one of the top contributors to Malaysia's income in spite it was the place where I am emotionally tested and reached my breaking point. I started to acknowledge that the setback which really sickened my heart had somehow taught me to be stronger; not only emotionally but also spiritually as well as to understand the fact that when things go wrong, there must be a lesson to be learned and life is always "there is a bless in disguise". (I literally cry the moment I wrote this because I really mean it!)

Whenever I met some of my colleagues during prayer at prayer room and they asked me about my career break, I always told them that never take the break whenever you had a bad superior. I am personally so bless that I have a very supportive superior who really understand my situation, continuously motivating me in spite he knows that I am still emotionally not fully recover and at the same time keep pushing me to push my limit in order to unlock my potential. He is a real reflection that a true leader may not someone embracing the same faith and having the same race as me, but the one who is objective and keep heightened others up. 

On personal aspect, in spite I had loss four months of my salary due to that unpaid career break, I had learned that money is not everything but still one of the crucial foundation to make a comfortable living. I also learned that when it comes to relationship, the "spark" is sometimes unable to be ignited in spite by physical criteria, all the factors been set had been met. Kindness always won over right, and creating the right perception is always important in spite of in reality, things being done are maybe not right. 

"And I will bear more troubles well
Because this road has led through hell
Resurfacing in brighter days
I slowly learn to change my ways"
(Chellie Campbell)

My planning also had turned much more flexible, as I have not plan for any trip yet due to many uncertainties. But somehow, I cannot deny the fact that my anxiety about future is getting more manageable as I started to realize and strongly instill into my mind that while fail to plan is plan to fail, but while we plan, Allah also plan and His plan is always the best. Striking the balance in putting the effort to plan and being "redha" with the outcome may be hard, but as time and maturity goes up, the hurdles and challenges that we face along the way will definitely help us to maneuver ourselves towards the right path. We just have to reflect, think and believe.

Jerai Hill, Kedah, Malaysia.

Till then, have a nice day. Wassalam~